My Stress = My Issue

Christmas brings stress for me.  And worse than that, it is all self imposed. 

Since I have reached adulthood and have hosted Christmases in my own home, I have been in search of the elusive "Perfect Christmas."  It is so elusive to me, I lose sight what it looks like. 

I honestly can't remember a bad Christmas in my life.  There were always presents, turkey, ham and all the usual treats; in fact probably more than a lot of people. My Mom and Dad were always happy to receive presents from all their Children; from the macaroni collage to the print from their favourite artist and their favourite sweet treat. 

Many years my parents would tell us that Christmas would be smaller.  I never noticed a difference.  The turkey may have been smaller. The tree may not of been as tall.  Maybe we did not get everything on our wish list.  But every year, it felt like the best Christmas ever.  So if this is the case, why do I not think I can't make a perfect Christmas.  Maybe I know more about it more than I think. 

I know that every Christmas I do my best to have those little traditions that are unique to our family that bring a smile to faces. Some may seem silly to some, but I would have it no other way.  Our tree has never been decorated like those in catalogues or window displays and I have loved them every year.  There have been years when the turkey was over cooked and the stuffing was dry or too spicy.  I have forgotten the lingonberries for the meatballs.  Nonetheless, everyone was happy. So what is my problem?

I can get so wrapped up the superficial, commercial definition of Christmas, that I forget that my family and I are not superficial commercial people.  We our a family that is firmly rooted in love. I have never had a challenge in that most important part of the Holidays or any other time of the year. I am confident that my family knows how much I love them and I was taught and teach that IT IS the thought that counts.  

The perfect Christmas is more than attainable. In fact, every year on Boxing Day, I have said that Christmas was the best ever.  There was always family.  There was always love.  And for me, that is all I ever truly want. 

This year I will forget what "they" say Christmas is supposed to be.  It doesn't matter if the presents aren't perfectly wrapped, or if the tree is lop sided, or if the dog/cat eats the turkey before it gets put in the oven.  What matters is that my home has love, and as long as I am alive, and maybe even when I am a ghost, my family will know I love them.

Enjoy Christmas with love, with all its goofs,  snags and imperfections.  

The Holidays are upon us.

 So we have made it to December 2021.  And I am sure that there will those who will take this opportunity to push a "politically correct" agenda by insisting "Happy Holidays" as the acceptable way to acknowledge this time of year.  It is suppose to encourage inclusiveness.  Personally, I think it does exactly the opposite.

There are many Faiths that celebrate a holiday in December, including Buddhists, Christians, Jewish, Wicca, Islam, and Zoroastrian.  Now we may all have various opinions of these Faiths.  Unfortunately politics have attached themselves to these various Faiths. I say unfortunately because God, however you understand Her/Him, has no place in politics.  Politics has no place in the Houses of Worship of the World.  

Most Faiths have a basic rule in common.  DON'T BE A DICK. Maybe, I am over simplifying this.  But if we can agree that our personal all Powerful Being is a loving one, the above guideline says it all. From the 10 Commandments to The Sermon on the Mount to the Beliefs of Islam to Teachings of Buddha and many more, they are all telling us to be a good person.  Can we agree that this is a great goal as a human being. (This would include atheist as well).

All that being said I move on to the various celebrations in December.  I say Merry Christmas to people because that is my personal celebration.  When saying this my intentions are loving and peaceful. If someone says that to me, it is the way I would accept it.  I would also accept a Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzza or a Good Mawlid el-Nabi in the same way.  I receive these the same way I say Merry Christmas, with love and peace.  Why would I take it any other way?

Maybe I am naïve. When someone says any of these words to me I smile and say "Thank You."  I believe that a person is wishing me happiness and joy. Why would I take offence to that, no matter to what holiday it is associated.  Why would I feel insulted because it is not "my holiday?"  Really? I certainly don't expect everyone to know my Faith on sight, just as I can't tell their Faith on sight.  If someone wishes a happy anything, I take this as an opportunity learn.  I have a chance to respectfully ask about their Faith and how they celebrate. That is inclusiveness.  

I have come to realize that assholeness is an equal opportunity disease.  Just like love is an equal opportunity cure.  "If you prick us, do we not bleed..." The Merchant of Venice.  "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Romeo and Juliet.  Shakespeare had a way with words.  Both of these quotes say something to the fact that though we may different, we are the same in far more important ways.  As people, we all want joy, peace and love.  

As part of humanity I want this for all people.  I don't care what you call your God; I don't care about the colour of your skin; I don't care where you or your ancestors were born. Just don't be a dick.

So a belated Happy Hanukkah! Merry Christmas! Enjoy the Solstice! And Always a Joy and Peace to all.

Taking Care of You

 So this week I talked to my son about what my topic should be this week.  I thought my daughters suggestion was a good one last week and it worked out well for me and I consider my son an equally good source of wisdom.  

If anybody knows me, I tend to be loyal and generous to a fault.  I have put up with behaviour that is unacceptable.  I have allowed people to take advantage of my loyalty and generosity.  And although, I have learnt from these people, I am still not perfect.  I still have to learn to say no, when it's time. Sometime knowing when it is time is my challenge. 

There is a negative attitude towards the selfish.  It is a conception that those who are selfish are always thinking only of themselves; they are trampling over other people to get want they want; never taking the feelings of others into account in any of their actions.  And for those who take selfishness to the extreme, all of this maybe true.  But all selfishness is not evil.  Sometimes, it has to do with self preservation and self love. 

I think it is safe to say that we have all encountered a mooch or two in our lifetime. In fact for some of us, we seem to be a magnet for them. I was taught by my Mom and Dad to be nice.  Unfortunately I missed the part of the lesson that told me that allowing someone to piss up your back and call it rain water was not being nice, but being self destructive.  

I wish I could have learn this lesson much quicker than I did.  But at least I can say that I am better than I use to be and that really has to be my goal; always to be better than I was yesterday.  

As I look back on my life I can see that I have allowed quite a few people to take advantage of me.  I have, for a good amount of years, believed that if I stood up for myself I would lose everyone that loved me and would never find anyone else that could love me.  For whatever reason, I did not see myself as loveable.  I don't know why I had this attitude.  Certainly my parents did all they could to reinforce a good opinion of myself.  Even then, I thought they had to say so because they are my parents.  At 51 years old, I understand that this is not true.  

Not all moochers are the same.  There are some that want to drain your bank account.  Since I have never really had a bank account with a huge sum, these tend not to be the moochers I attract.  But there are spirit drainers that can be just as dangerous.  A bank account is easier to replenish than your heart and your soul.  In my case, the cuts go much deeper.  

These are the people that can somehow take your thoughtfulness and make it not enough.  No matter how hard you try, nothing is ever good enough.  You don't do the laundry correctly; you don't load or unload the dishwasher correctly; dinner doesn't taste right. And a thank you is never heard.  You begin to doubt yourself and your purpose in life.  In fact, you stop doing the things you know you do well because all you hear is what you do wrong.  It is soul crushing.  

At some point in time, I had the courage to say that if the moochers were so unhappy, they should leave.  He announced that he was leaving the next day.  Honestly I was shocked that it was that easy.  The weight that was lifted from my shoulders was palpable.  I could not believe how bad I had allowed things to get.  I was almost ashamed.  I should have known better. 

The fact is I didn't.  I was afraid and I let fear make the decision for me until I could not hold back any longer.  My plea was desperate and primal.  I can only attribute it to divine intervention and an instinct for my survival.  Nonetheless there was damage that was done and healing that was needed. 

Gratefully I have a support system that I never realized I had during this time of self doubt and self deprecation.  I took a whole lot of hind sight to understand how much I endured.  I also had to work on learning that I was a good person and was not put on this Earth to be abused by anyone. 

I have goals and dreams like everyone else.  For many years they were put on hold because the happiness of someone else came first.  I thought that this is what a good person, a good friend and a good wife was supposed to do.  I was wrong.  If anything I did not only do myself a disservice but them as well.  These were grown people who were more than capable of doing for themselves.  By me putting them first instead of me, they did not have to take responsibility for their own decisions.  And I was ladened with even more that was not mine.  

I do not count the sacrifices I have made for my children in this category.  I knew that when I decided to become a Mom that this was necessary.  Honestly, I never saw anything as a sacrifice considering how much joy watching my children do what they love brings me.   

I am still by far not perfect.  But I am much more confident that I have a right to boundaries, financial or personal.  In new relationships, be them romantic or otherwise I have said no.  The happiness of others is not my responsibility.  The only standards to which I have to live are my own.  I have learnt to walk away from a situation in which I am uncomfortable.  I have places to go, even if it is only to next room.  I also have the courage to talk to the person about my feelings.  My feelings count as much as theirs.

Sometimes the hokey sounding stuff bares a lot of truth.  I am a person of worth.  I deserve love.  Self care and self love is not selfishness.  It is beyond surviving.  It is a means to thrivie.

So, now What

 So, I was wondering what I was going to write today, and chatting with my daughter.  I asked for insight of course.  And she suggested to write about how when you're 18 years old you know everything, but by 20 years old, you know nothing.  We had a little more chatting back and forth and this is basically what we concluded. 

There has been too many times in my life when I thought I had it all figured out.  I was just sailing. I knew where I was going; I knew how to get there. Nothing was going to stop me.  And then real life happens.  It could have been anything and happens to EVERYONE.

In University, I entered the Theatre program at York University and was certain I was going to graduate being a trained actor. I would be starring on Theatre Way (King Street in Toronto) and Broadway within 5years. I flunked out of my program and had to change my major to English.  I was completely bored with that major and changed it again to Sociology.  I wasn't sure if that would be enough for my goal so I picked up a minor in Psychology. So there I was, 20 something years old and an Honours BA in Sociology and a Minor in Psychology. So, Now What?  

Well, after volunteering in a law office my last term in school, I made a connections and got a job as a Girl Friday (assistant, intern, probby, do whatever person.) for two associate lawyers. One lawyer was in civil practice and the other worked in the criminal realm.  I am very grateful to both of them as I had little to no office experience and none in legal.  It was my first job out of school and I was ready to go.  I was going to get my experience and in 2 years apply to law School and open my own office, working to make the world a better place.  But after a short period of time something happened. I didn't like law.  It was not the wonderful place of justice and equality for all that TV. makes it out to be.  It's complicated and confusing.  It is more politics than justice and I did not have the strength, at the time, to deal with it.  So, Now What?

Well, a friend from York University was working at a advertising agency and they needed to fill an entry level position.  I figured I could use my degree and create ground breaking campaigns that would change the world. So I went to work at a relatively small advertising company. I started as the Girl Friday on the bottom rung ready to climb to marketing excellence.  Three months into my monumental climb to fame and fortune, I get a "mysterious" illness.  I had to take time off, face a battery of tests, including a spinal tap and one given to astronauts, and still no answers.  Being me, I was certain I had a brain tumour and had only 6 months to live. So, Now What?

I guess this was the moment my life came into focus.  I really didn't want to be a lawyer, or an advertising executive with a corner office.  My first thoughts were I wanted to be a Mom and a writer.  I had been writing all my life but never saw it as more than a hobby.  But I realized I had a lot to say and had not said it all yet. So, Now What?

Well, I took writing courses, married the man I loved.  I took a better paying job in the marketing department of an insurance company.  Although, I was going to write a ground breaking novel, maybe even be the next J.K. Rowlings, I still needed to pay the bills.  Just before my wedding, my mysterious illness was no longer a mystery. I was diagnosed with MS.  So, Now What?

Well, after discussions with my fiancé, and with my specialist, we decided to get married and start a family. It was the best decision of my life.  After a while, my MS got to a severity that I could not work outside the home.  It was difficult and took a few years, but I was granted long term disability pension from the government. Oh, by the way, one those lawyers I worked for whom I worked, was the turning point in the process. So, Now What?

Well, I took my marriage and role as a Mom to the extreme.  Although, my marriage went along ok for a while, it was clear that we had different concepts of marriage and parenthood.  I did my best to make things work. I did not have the strength to be a single parent, with only a CPP pension to live.  But it seems that my husband made the decision and I was alone with two amazing children and little money. So, Now What?

Well, after a few years of putting one foot in front of the other, and writing more than I had in years,  I filed for separation in family court, assuring me spousal and child support.  We sold our house and the children and I moved to a new city in which my children were attending school.  Things were moving along great.  Then my daughter whit a bump of her own.  As a Mom, I had no idea what to do.  It was not a hurt that I could just kiss and make better.  So, Now What?

Well, we got my daughter the help that she needed, she went back to school and got better grades than ever.  She graduated high school and move out with her BFF and is looking to be the best pastry chef with a bakery of her own.  My son has built his own music studio and releasing his latest album next week.  And I am writing and have completed two books, one picture and one middle grade.  They have yet to be published.  Maybe they will, maybe they won't.  That is not what really matters.  What matters is the I am a Mom and a writer.

The common thread through all of this is that, even through all the bumps in the road, God had my back.  In fact I know that God gave me the bumps in the road to get me on the track to the best me I can be.  I wish I could have gotten there without the bumps. I also know myself well enough that sometimes I need a 2x4 across my head (figuratively of course) or a neon billboard to get my attention.  The fact is that through all the challenges, after I did all I could humanly do, and the outcome was no longer in my hands, I got to give it to God. So, Now What?

Well, I am a little better a this.  When a crisis of the heart, or the family, or the pocket book happens, I have a better idea of what to do.  I do all the do things and don't do all the don't things.  And then, I pray.  I give it to God. I have what I call a God Box.  I write my problem, question, confusion etc... on a piece of paper, and put it in the Box.  Yes, there are time I take it back. So, Now What?

Well, I do it again, until I don't take it back. 

Love ain't for Wimps!

 

So this was a very tough weekend.  I know that every one has bad weekends, but this one hit me particularly hard. 

If any of you follow me on FB, you know that one of our Furry Family, Bender, was lost a few months ago.  It was especially heart breaking because he escaped and though we searched for weeks, we were unable to find him.  I have held the belief in my heart that another family has found him and is loving him as much as we do. I don't believe that closure truly exists.  I just learn to live with the situation one day at a time. The pain will come back.  I expect it to come someday.  I don't dread it,  but I don't exactly welcome it either.  I accept it.  I don't have to like it.  I just know that my level of serenity is in direct proportion to my level of acceptance. 

This weekend I had to make one of the hardest decision I have ever had to make.  Another one of our Furry Family, Finn, was so sick humane euthanasia was the only loving options.  It was extra hard because he was my daughter's cat.  Finn was around for her during a very challenging time.  His loving presence brought her comfort that no one else could. I will be eternally grateful to him for that.  It made this decision almost impossible.  

It was a situation for which I felt incredibly unqualified. I knew in my head I was doing the right thing for Finn. But the ache in my heart tried to tell me otherwise. I knew how much it was hurting me. My husband  was hurting. I  could see how much it was breaking my daughter's heart.  Even my son, who is not a big cat fan, shed a tear.  I felt responsible for every ache, pain and tear. I was playing God. I did not like it. What if I was wrong?  What if the vet was wrong? What if Finn could have gotten better? Did he know how much he was love? Did he know how much I wished I could kiss him and make it better?  All I could could do was hold him, and tell him how incredibly sorry I am.  It did not seem like enough. 

I don't want to say I hate myself for it, but there is a part of me that is certainly not happy with myself. I am trying my best to reconcile my brain with my heart, and it is not easy.  I know that life was never meant to be easy; simple but never easy.  I am looking for what I am to learn from this situation.  Maybe it is too soon. I need to be patient.  Patience is not a virtue of which I have had an abundance.  I want to learn my lesson and move on from the hurt.  But of course My God has a different plan.  Maybe learning patience is part of the lesson.  

There is that saying that says God never gives you a situation for which you are not strong enough. Is it wrong to want God to not think I am so strong?  I am tired of being strong.  I know that wanting to take a break is not a sign of weakness.  In fact, taking time for me to recharge and regenerate makes me stronger for the next of life's challenges. But when I need it the most, I feel I deserve it the least.

I have the right to grieve.  I don't have the right to feel sorry for myself.  I make the choice to love, whether it is my people or my pets.  This makes me vulnerable to great pain.  But for all the tears, pain and broken hearts, I would never chose to live with out unconditional love. It is priceless and worth every tear that comes with it.   

To love another person /pet is to see the face of God. (paraphrased from Les Miserables). 

Remember

 

As this week we will observe Remembrance Day, I have something to say  

I wonder if I am the only Canadian who cries at the ceremonies held on November 11th every year. I hope I am not. 

Every year, I see the Veterans, whether at the local cenotaph or on TV watching the ceremony from Ottawa. I think not only of those that died in battle but of those who did come home. Many young men, and women and even some teens (who may have lied about their age), were sent to far away places to fight an enemy about whom they may have known very little. They were told that Canada was under threat. And that was enough. 

These brave souls had no idea what they would have to battle. It was not just the enemy, whoever they may be, but the very horrors that any armed conflict entails. These are things, that as a person who has never experienced war, I could not even imagine. I have watched documentaries but I am sure that they could not even scratch the surface. 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is now some thing that is acknowledged and treatment is available, but I am sure not enough. There are so many scars that cannot be seen. Scars that are caused by what a soldier has seen, by what was done to them and what, for the sake of their lives or the lives of their fellow soldiers, were forced to do. 

Every Veteran and their Families deserve our gratitude on Remembrance Day. More importantly they deserve it everyday. Every time you take a vacation, you should thank a veteran. You enjoy the freedom of movement.  Every time you exercise the right to vote, you should thank a veteran. You enjoy living in a democracy. Every time you express an opinion that may go against your government, you should thank a veteran. You enjoy the freedom of speech. There is so much, as Canadians, we may take for granted. We should always remember that people suffered, killed and were killed so that we can live in relative comfort. 

To quote Winston Churchill; “Never was so much owed by so many to so few.”

I have attached a letter written by a WWI soldier home. I hope it will remind us all that these were no nameless men and women, but real people, who left a simple life behind to save us all. 

Mitch Albom wrote a book published in 2003 titled The Five People You Meet in Heaven.

I don't think I am ready to consider who would greet me as I cross through the proverbial pearly gates.  A question often asked at daring parties and during an interview by Barbara Walters, (Not really sure about the Barbara Walters thing, but it sounds good) "What 5 people would you invite to dinner?" is one I think I can tackle. At least I will try. 

I am very eclectic person; in my taste in music, art and people. Therefore logic dictates that my guests would follow this unique custom.  I have to admit it was very difficult for me to keep it to just 5, but anymore would limit the titillating, provocative conversation. Even at my family dinner table, which included my Mom and Dad, my brothers and myself, not everyone had a chance to speak. In fact, between my eldest brother and my Dad, the rest of us pretty much were kept silent.  

Anyway, enough about me. The only rule I had when making this list was that they had to be living or dead, and not fictional; so no Sherlock Holmes or Harry Potter.  Some of those on my list may seem odd and perhaps offensive. It is not my intension to offend anyone, but many of these people evoke a high level of curiosity.  I hope I can explain why this is without angering any readers.

Let's get started, 

Jesus, Son of Joseph.  I am not talking about the Son of God; that is another post.There are noted accepted historic facts about Jesus.  He was born in Bethlehem around 6-4 BCE and was crucified by the Romans, occupying Palestine of the time, in Jerusalem, around 30 CE.  He was also know as Jesus of Nazareth.  Very little is known about his youth but at some point he became an itinerant preacher. He had a very short public life.  During that time, he propose some pretty radical ideas: treating others as one would want to be treated, refrain from judging others, until you are prepared to be judge.  He associated himself with tax collectors, the "unclean" and the town prostitute.  Yes, some of these have been gleaned from The Bible, which I admittedly refer to as a book of Faith, not fact.  However, this is a man that along with his progressive teachings, of whom we speak 2000 years after his death.  Whatever you believe Jesus to be; prophet, Son of God, or just a man, he definitely had a major influence on people, politics and the planet.  (Sanders, E.P. and Pelikan, Jaroslav Jan. "Jesus". Encyclopedia Britannica, 16 Jun. 2021, https://www.britannica.com/biography/Jesus. Accessed 1 November 2021.)

Adolph Hitler.  Now, this may take some people by surprise, but hear me out. I don't think that he was a good man; in fact I think he ranks in the top 10 most evil people ever.  However, if you consider his past before his time as Führer of Germany, the fact that he was able to accomplish all that he did is astonishing.  I am sure a deep psychological examination of Hitler may reveal some of the reasons for his anti semitism, aryan ideology and his desire to rule the world.  I do not consider myself qualified to do so.  I am sure that Hitler was at least somewhat aware of his Jewish heritage, and there is evidence of North African ancestry, his awareness of this is unlikely.  The political climate of Germany post WWI was desperate for a hero.  The country was being held responsible for the financial cost of the conflict and very strict restrictions had be instituted on any military development. (See the Treaty of Versailles for more details). The fact is than a short, dark haired, dark eyed, part Jewish Austrian convinced a large population of Germany that they belonged to a superior Aryan race, characterized by tall, blond haired, blue eyed people.  This, to me, is fascinating. He must have had a strong personality and able to use it very well to influence the views of many people.  (Britannica, The Editors of Encyclopaedia. "Adolf Hitler summary". Encyclopedia Britannica, 29 Apr. 2021, https://www.britannica.com/summary/Adolf-Hitler. Accessed 1 November 2021.) (Jenn Cohen. https://www.history.com/news/study-suggests-adolf-hitler-had-jewish-and-african-ancestors)

Sean-Patrick Maidens.  This choice has a far more personal reason than any other on this list.  Sean-Patrick was my eldest brother.  Aside from my parents, he had the most effect on the person I am today.  There was a time when all I wanted to be was just like him.  I wanted to talk like him, walk like him and I believed anything he said as the gospel truth.  He was as close to a superhero I could have at 15 years old.  Then, he died by his own hand.  All of sudden, he was incredibly human. After a lot of anger and sadness and grieving I have come to terms with his life and his death.  There are still days when I am angry and sad.  And regardless of how he died, what he thought and believed were, in my opinion good things.  He was intelligent, idealistic and very kind.  He befriended people based on their character.  He was not perfect.  He had demons and I guess he was not able to tame them all.  He could be prideful and impatient.  All that being said, what I long to hear more than anything is that he was and is proud of me, wherever he may be.  

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  This is a man who did everything he could to peacefully change his world and the world of many others. He made people stand up and take notice of people living in deplorable conditions, not just physically but emotionally and psychologically.  There were people, be it out of naivety or conscious ignorance, were unaware of the circumstances of Black people in the United States.  Although many in the Northern US thought it was only a Southern issue, when MLK presented himself in Chicago, the anger and hatred of the White population against the Blacks in the North was as palpable as in Mississippi and Alabama.  There may not have been lynchings, but the Black person needed to know their place and respect it.  I can't imagine what it would be like to wake up every morning having the weight of the hopes of the Black population on your shoulders, all while dealing with FBI investigations, and death threats from among others the KKK.  What kind of bravery he must have had.  I am sure that there were times of great despair in his life but through the support of Coretta, and his inner circle he was able to continue to walk with dignity.  And considering he is one of few American Born person to have a Holiday named for him, he is still changing the World. (https://kinginstitute.stanford.edu/mlk-topic/martin-luther-king-jr-threatsattacks-against) (https://kinginstitute.stanford.edu/encyclopedia/federal-bureau-investigation-fbi)

Anita V. Maidens (nee Svensson)  This is my Mom.  She is the strongest woman I have ever known and ever expect to know.  I know she would not like it if I gave all the sorted details of her life but I will share that she took on life's adventures with bravery and grace.  She experienced moments of happiness and moments of sorrow.  I don't know how she did it but she came out the other end not so jaded that she shows extensive cynicism towards the world or people.  In fact in many of our conversations, we ask why people can't just get along.  I have been told by many that I am a good Mom.  I give 100% credit for this to my Mom.  She taught me what unconditional love truly is.  She was the one who would tell my brothers and me that she may not always like what we do, but she will always love us.  In fact, I have said this to my own children.  I know many ladies who have had or still have complicated or difficult relationships with their mothers.  I honestly cannot understand this.  My Mom and I have always been close and have talked a lot about things I know other adult women would never even consider bringing up to their mothers.  I am grateful for My Mom.  I am so blessed to have such role model and I hope I can be half the Lady she is.

As I look back on this list, it seems so inadequate.  There are so many more people I would love to spend time discussing Life the Universe and Everything.  Scientists, philosophers, artists, men and women from whom I could learn so much.  I guess this means I will have to have a few more dinner parties. 

Please comment and tell me who your Five or more would be.