So, now What

 So, I was wondering what I was going to write today, and chatting with my daughter.  I asked for insight of course.  And she suggested to write about how when you're 18 years old you know everything, but by 20 years old, you know nothing.  We had a little more chatting back and forth and this is basically what we concluded. 

There has been too many times in my life when I thought I had it all figured out.  I was just sailing. I knew where I was going; I knew how to get there. Nothing was going to stop me.  And then real life happens.  It could have been anything and happens to EVERYONE.

In University, I entered the Theatre program at York University and was certain I was going to graduate being a trained actor. I would be starring on Theatre Way (King Street in Toronto) and Broadway within 5years. I flunked out of my program and had to change my major to English.  I was completely bored with that major and changed it again to Sociology.  I wasn't sure if that would be enough for my goal so I picked up a minor in Psychology. So there I was, 20 something years old and an Honours BA in Sociology and a Minor in Psychology. So, Now What?  

Well, after volunteering in a law office my last term in school, I made a connections and got a job as a Girl Friday (assistant, intern, probby, do whatever person.) for two associate lawyers. One lawyer was in civil practice and the other worked in the criminal realm.  I am very grateful to both of them as I had little to no office experience and none in legal.  It was my first job out of school and I was ready to go.  I was going to get my experience and in 2 years apply to law School and open my own office, working to make the world a better place.  But after a short period of time something happened. I didn't like law.  It was not the wonderful place of justice and equality for all that TV. makes it out to be.  It's complicated and confusing.  It is more politics than justice and I did not have the strength, at the time, to deal with it.  So, Now What?

Well, a friend from York University was working at a advertising agency and they needed to fill an entry level position.  I figured I could use my degree and create ground breaking campaigns that would change the world. So I went to work at a relatively small advertising company. I started as the Girl Friday on the bottom rung ready to climb to marketing excellence.  Three months into my monumental climb to fame and fortune, I get a "mysterious" illness.  I had to take time off, face a battery of tests, including a spinal tap and one given to astronauts, and still no answers.  Being me, I was certain I had a brain tumour and had only 6 months to live. So, Now What?

I guess this was the moment my life came into focus.  I really didn't want to be a lawyer, or an advertising executive with a corner office.  My first thoughts were I wanted to be a Mom and a writer.  I had been writing all my life but never saw it as more than a hobby.  But I realized I had a lot to say and had not said it all yet. So, Now What?

Well, I took writing courses, married the man I loved.  I took a better paying job in the marketing department of an insurance company.  Although, I was going to write a ground breaking novel, maybe even be the next J.K. Rowlings, I still needed to pay the bills.  Just before my wedding, my mysterious illness was no longer a mystery. I was diagnosed with MS.  So, Now What?

Well, after discussions with my fiancé, and with my specialist, we decided to get married and start a family. It was the best decision of my life.  After a while, my MS got to a severity that I could not work outside the home.  It was difficult and took a few years, but I was granted long term disability pension from the government. Oh, by the way, one those lawyers I worked for whom I worked, was the turning point in the process. So, Now What?

Well, I took my marriage and role as a Mom to the extreme.  Although, my marriage went along ok for a while, it was clear that we had different concepts of marriage and parenthood.  I did my best to make things work. I did not have the strength to be a single parent, with only a CPP pension to live.  But it seems that my husband made the decision and I was alone with two amazing children and little money. So, Now What?

Well, after a few years of putting one foot in front of the other, and writing more than I had in years,  I filed for separation in family court, assuring me spousal and child support.  We sold our house and the children and I moved to a new city in which my children were attending school.  Things were moving along great.  Then my daughter whit a bump of her own.  As a Mom, I had no idea what to do.  It was not a hurt that I could just kiss and make better.  So, Now What?

Well, we got my daughter the help that she needed, she went back to school and got better grades than ever.  She graduated high school and move out with her BFF and is looking to be the best pastry chef with a bakery of her own.  My son has built his own music studio and releasing his latest album next week.  And I am writing and have completed two books, one picture and one middle grade.  They have yet to be published.  Maybe they will, maybe they won't.  That is not what really matters.  What matters is the I am a Mom and a writer.

The common thread through all of this is that, even through all the bumps in the road, God had my back.  In fact I know that God gave me the bumps in the road to get me on the track to the best me I can be.  I wish I could have gotten there without the bumps. I also know myself well enough that sometimes I need a 2x4 across my head (figuratively of course) or a neon billboard to get my attention.  The fact is that through all the challenges, after I did all I could humanly do, and the outcome was no longer in my hands, I got to give it to God. So, Now What?

Well, I am a little better a this.  When a crisis of the heart, or the family, or the pocket book happens, I have a better idea of what to do.  I do all the do things and don't do all the don't things.  And then, I pray.  I give it to God. I have what I call a God Box.  I write my problem, question, confusion etc... on a piece of paper, and put it in the Box.  Yes, there are time I take it back. So, Now What?

Well, I do it again, until I don't take it back.