So this week I talked to my son about what my topic should be this week. I thought my daughters suggestion was a good one last week and it worked out well for me and I consider my son an equally good source of wisdom.
If anybody knows me, I tend to be loyal and generous to a fault. I have put up with behaviour that is unacceptable. I have allowed people to take advantage of my loyalty and generosity. And although, I have learnt from these people, I am still not perfect. I still have to learn to say no, when it's time. Sometime knowing when it is time is my challenge.
There is a negative attitude towards the selfish. It is a conception that those who are selfish are always thinking only of themselves; they are trampling over other people to get want they want; never taking the feelings of others into account in any of their actions. And for those who take selfishness to the extreme, all of this maybe true. But all selfishness is not evil. Sometimes, it has to do with self preservation and self love.
I think it is safe to say that we have all encountered a mooch or two in our lifetime. In fact for some of us, we seem to be a magnet for them. I was taught by my Mom and Dad to be nice. Unfortunately I missed the part of the lesson that told me that allowing someone to piss up your back and call it rain water was not being nice, but being self destructive.
I wish I could have learn this lesson much quicker than I did. But at least I can say that I am better than I use to be and that really has to be my goal; always to be better than I was yesterday.
As I look back on my life I can see that I have allowed quite a few people to take advantage of me. I have, for a good amount of years, believed that if I stood up for myself I would lose everyone that loved me and would never find anyone else that could love me. For whatever reason, I did not see myself as loveable. I don't know why I had this attitude. Certainly my parents did all they could to reinforce a good opinion of myself. Even then, I thought they had to say so because they are my parents. At 51 years old, I understand that this is not true.
Not all moochers are the same. There are some that want to drain your bank account. Since I have never really had a bank account with a huge sum, these tend not to be the moochers I attract. But there are spirit drainers that can be just as dangerous. A bank account is easier to replenish than your heart and your soul. In my case, the cuts go much deeper.
These are the people that can somehow take your thoughtfulness and make it not enough. No matter how hard you try, nothing is ever good enough. You don't do the laundry correctly; you don't load or unload the dishwasher correctly; dinner doesn't taste right. And a thank you is never heard. You begin to doubt yourself and your purpose in life. In fact, you stop doing the things you know you do well because all you hear is what you do wrong. It is soul crushing.
At some point in time, I had the courage to say that if the moochers were so unhappy, they should leave. He announced that he was leaving the next day. Honestly I was shocked that it was that easy. The weight that was lifted from my shoulders was palpable. I could not believe how bad I had allowed things to get. I was almost ashamed. I should have known better.
The fact is I didn't. I was afraid and I let fear make the decision for me until I could not hold back any longer. My plea was desperate and primal. I can only attribute it to divine intervention and an instinct for my survival. Nonetheless there was damage that was done and healing that was needed.
Gratefully I have a support system that I never realized I had during this time of self doubt and self deprecation. I took a whole lot of hind sight to understand how much I endured. I also had to work on learning that I was a good person and was not put on this Earth to be abused by anyone.
I have goals and dreams like everyone else. For many years they were put on hold because the happiness of someone else came first. I thought that this is what a good person, a good friend and a good wife was supposed to do. I was wrong. If anything I did not only do myself a disservice but them as well. These were grown people who were more than capable of doing for themselves. By me putting them first instead of me, they did not have to take responsibility for their own decisions. And I was ladened with even more that was not mine.
I do not count the sacrifices I have made for my children in this category. I knew that when I decided to become a Mom that this was necessary. Honestly, I never saw anything as a sacrifice considering how much joy watching my children do what they love brings me.
I am still by far not perfect. But I am much more confident that I have a right to boundaries, financial or personal. In new relationships, be them romantic or otherwise I have said no. The happiness of others is not my responsibility. The only standards to which I have to live are my own. I have learnt to walk away from a situation in which I am uncomfortable. I have places to go, even if it is only to next room. I also have the courage to talk to the person about my feelings. My feelings count as much as theirs.
Sometimes the hokey sounding stuff bares a lot of truth. I am a person of worth. I deserve love. Self care and self love is not selfishness. It is beyond surviving. It is a means to thrivie.
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