Love ain't for Wimps!

 

So this was a very tough weekend.  I know that every one has bad weekends, but this one hit me particularly hard. 

If any of you follow me on FB, you know that one of our Furry Family, Bender, was lost a few months ago.  It was especially heart breaking because he escaped and though we searched for weeks, we were unable to find him.  I have held the belief in my heart that another family has found him and is loving him as much as we do. I don't believe that closure truly exists.  I just learn to live with the situation one day at a time. The pain will come back.  I expect it to come someday.  I don't dread it,  but I don't exactly welcome it either.  I accept it.  I don't have to like it.  I just know that my level of serenity is in direct proportion to my level of acceptance. 

This weekend I had to make one of the hardest decision I have ever had to make.  Another one of our Furry Family, Finn, was so sick humane euthanasia was the only loving options.  It was extra hard because he was my daughter's cat.  Finn was around for her during a very challenging time.  His loving presence brought her comfort that no one else could. I will be eternally grateful to him for that.  It made this decision almost impossible.  

It was a situation for which I felt incredibly unqualified. I knew in my head I was doing the right thing for Finn. But the ache in my heart tried to tell me otherwise. I knew how much it was hurting me. My husband  was hurting. I  could see how much it was breaking my daughter's heart.  Even my son, who is not a big cat fan, shed a tear.  I felt responsible for every ache, pain and tear. I was playing God. I did not like it. What if I was wrong?  What if the vet was wrong? What if Finn could have gotten better? Did he know how much he was love? Did he know how much I wished I could kiss him and make it better?  All I could could do was hold him, and tell him how incredibly sorry I am.  It did not seem like enough. 

I don't want to say I hate myself for it, but there is a part of me that is certainly not happy with myself. I am trying my best to reconcile my brain with my heart, and it is not easy.  I know that life was never meant to be easy; simple but never easy.  I am looking for what I am to learn from this situation.  Maybe it is too soon. I need to be patient.  Patience is not a virtue of which I have had an abundance.  I want to learn my lesson and move on from the hurt.  But of course My God has a different plan.  Maybe learning patience is part of the lesson.  

There is that saying that says God never gives you a situation for which you are not strong enough. Is it wrong to want God to not think I am so strong?  I am tired of being strong.  I know that wanting to take a break is not a sign of weakness.  In fact, taking time for me to recharge and regenerate makes me stronger for the next of life's challenges. But when I need it the most, I feel I deserve it the least.

I have the right to grieve.  I don't have the right to feel sorry for myself.  I make the choice to love, whether it is my people or my pets.  This makes me vulnerable to great pain.  But for all the tears, pain and broken hearts, I would never chose to live with out unconditional love. It is priceless and worth every tear that comes with it.   

To love another person /pet is to see the face of God. (paraphrased from Les Miserables).